| 1st: |  United States | 112.78 |
|---|---|---|
| 2nd: |  Russia | 112.7 |
| 3rd: |  Italy | 112.13 |
| 4th: |  Norway | 58.22 |
| 5th: |  Czech Republic | 56.67 |
| 6th: |  Germany | 56.07 |
| 7th: |  France | 55.65 |
| 8th: |  Ukraine | 44.54 |
| 9th: |  Japan | 43.88 |
| 10th: |  Communist China | 41.25 |
Event
Pros
Cons
Rating (out of 10)
Winner
Archery — Individual Archery
Aim at something and shoot it. This is a contest of strength as well as aim.
Italy
Archery — Team Archery
Same as above.
Team sport, plus we already have a real archery medal.
Korea, South
Athletics — 109 yards
"World's Fastest Man" title on the line.
United States
Athletics — 120 yard Hurdles
Okay, there could be hurdles between you and your destination.
If you're going to have obstacles, go all the way with the Steeplechase.
Communist China
Athletics — 219 yards
Event pollution between the 109 yards and the marathon.
United States
Athletics — 437 yards
More event pollution.
United States
Athletics — 437 yard Hurdles
Still not the steeplechase.
Dominican Republic
Athletics — 875 yards
More event pollution.
Russia
Athletics — 1640 yards
More event pollution.
Morocco
Athletics — 3281 yard Steeplechase
As good a simulation as we have of getting from Point A to Point B.
Kenya
Athletics — 5468 yards
More event pollution.
Morocco
Athletics — 10936 yards
More event pollution.
Ethiopia
Athletics — 4x109 yards
The country with the top 4 fastest men.
Team sport.
Great Britain
Athletics — 4x437 yards
Seems redundant.
United States
Athletics — Decathlon
This guy can do it all. He is the World's Greatest Athlete.
None.
Czech Republic
Athletics — Marathon
Fastest man over distance.
Italy
Athletics — 12.43 mile Walk
Well, it is purely speed-based...
...But why is this even here? We don't have one-legged races. Or races where people run backwards. Why have any restrictions on how you get there? Especially one that leads to such a fruity gait.
Italy
Athletics — 31.1 mile Walk
See above.
See above.
Poland
Athletics — Long Jump
A nice, simple question: who can jump the farthest?
United States
Athletics — Triple Jump
Perversion of the long jump with a bunch of silly rules.
Sweden
Athletics — High Jump
Who can jump the highest?
Sweden
Athletics — Pole Vault
Who can jump the highest...
...with a pole, for some reason.
United States
Athletics — Shot Put
See that 16 pound ball? Throw it as far as you can!
Ukraine
Athletics — Discus
Another distance throw.
We already have the shotput. Plus this only weighs 4 pounds, 7 ounces.
Lithuania
Athletics — Javelin
Wikipedia describes this as "a polearm used as a hand-hurled missile weapon".
Norway
Athletics — Hammer
Basically a shotput at the end of a 4-foot pole.
Same as the shotput, plus some mechanical advantage. Normally that would cost points, but think how much clobbering could be done with this thing! (And in Scotland, men do this in kilts. Yeah.)
Japan
Badminton — Singles
One-on-one, mano-a-mano contest.
It's badminton.
Indonesia
Badminton — Doubles
Well you still have to beat somebody.
It's badminton AND it's one of those "team" things.
Korea, South
Baseball — Baseball
A chance to see some kids who could be in The Show at some point.
The real men aren't playing. They're busy playing where it counts.
Cuba
Basketball — Basketball
One team against one other team.
Again, there's a big sports league that plays this for real. Plus, there's women's basketball at the Olympics. Point loss there.
Argentina
Boxing — Light Flyweight
Pounding the tar out of your opponent! Yes!
But this is like an award for the prettiest girl at an ugly contest. We don't care for arbitrary restrictions, so we only care about the unlimited weight class.
Cuba
Boxing — Flyweight
See above.
See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Bantamweight
See above.
See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Featherweight
See above.
See above.
Russia
Boxing — Lightweight
See above.
See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Light Welterweight
See above.
See above.
Thailand
Boxing — Welterweight
See above.
See above.
Kazakhstan
Boxing — Middleweight
See above.
See above.
Russia
Boxing — Light Heavyweight
See above.
See above.
United States
Boxing — Heavyweight
See above.
See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Super Heavyweight
This is the only real boxing event. This guy could take anybody at the Games.
None at all.
Russia
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 547 yards
A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.
Splitting points with kayaking, because we don't need both.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards
Splitting points with kayaking.
Spain
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 547 yards
"Oh, I need some help paddling my canoe..." Splitting points with kayaking.
Communist China
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards
Splitting points with kayaking.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 547 yards
A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.
Splitting points with canoeing, because we don't need both.
Canada
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Norway
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 547 yards
"Oh, I need some help paddling my kayak..." Splitting points with canoeing.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Sweden
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Four-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing One-Man Slalom
Like the previous event, but with steering.
Steering is overrated. Also splitting with kayaking.
France
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Two-Man Slalom
Slovakia
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking One-Man Slalom
France
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Single Sculls
Singles.
The guys here have TWO oars instead of one. Obviously worthy of another round of medals for everybody. Oh wait, it isn't.
Norway
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Pair
See above.
Australia
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Double Sculls
See above.
France
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Double Sculls
"Lightweight"? You're joking.
Poland
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Four
Are we there yet? There appear to be 20 different ways to paddle across a pond. There aren't 20 different ways that anybody cares about...
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Quadruple Sculls
See above.
Russia
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Eight
There's something to be said for putting together the fastest thing on the water.
There are women's versions of all these, you know. These guys are lucky to be getting all these points.
United States
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Coxless Four
Lightweight. And they expect points.
Denmark
Cycling — Road Race
Uses local terrain. No stupid track games: everybody starts at the same spot, and the winner is the first to finish.
Shared by all cycling events: Stupid hats. Spandex. Contributes to "Lance Armstrong Syndrome", which causes sufferers to dress this way and parade around town.
Italy
Cycling — Road Time Trial
One-at-a-time race against the clock. Seems unnecessarily boring, doesn't it?
United States
Cycling — Track Individual Pursuit
One of those track gimmicks, where you can't tell who's ahead. No reason for this event.
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Team Pursuit
Same as above, but with a team! I honestly don't understand why cycling is a team sport at all.
Australia
Cycling — Track Individual Sprint
If there's a sprint, ++points.
Australia
Cycling — Track Team Sprint
Except:
Help! The AIR is slowing me down! I'm going to get right up behind you, hold still...
Germany
Cycling — Track 0.62 mile Time Trial
boooorrinng. And what an arbitrary distance.
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Points Race
VERY complicated scoring. Scoring? It's a RACE.
Russia
Cycling — Track Keirin
There's a sprint at the end.
There's a pacer in this one. Go fast, but not too fast. hmm.
Australia
Cycling — Track Madison
This team event makes sense, at least: two teammates swap off as they get tired.
Tired? How about we just wait until all the cyclists collapse, and then see who got the farthest.
Australia
Cycling — Mountain Cross Country
Real-world usefulness. Not a duplicate of previous events. Nice!
Still exacerbates Lance Armstrong Syndrome.
France
Diving — 3.3 yard Springboard
None.
Gracefulness in men's athletics should be a side-effect of getting something done. It certainly shouldn't exist for its own sake.
Communist China
Diving — 10.9 yard Platform
None.
Communist China
Diving — Synchronized 3.3 yard Springboard
None.
Men's... synchronized... diving. I had to rewrite the code here to allow for negative scores.
Greece
Diving — Synchronized 10.9 yard Platform
None.
Communist China
Fencing — Epee Individual
It's swordfighting. Cool. Epee is based on dueling where the first to draw blood wins.
First blood was developed to avoid killing the other guy.
Switzerland
Fencing — Epee Team
Team... Well, think of it like the Three Musketeers, or something.
France
Fencing — Foil Individual
Based on the sidearm of the 18th-century gentleman.
Complicated rules about hitting with "right of way" and "priority".
France
Fencing — Foil Team
Team again.
Italy
Fencing — Sabre Individual
Unlike the others, can score with a swipe of the weapon.
"Right of way" etc.
Italy
Fencing — Sabre Team
Team again.
France
Field Hockey — Field Hockey
You don't have ice in the summer, so I guess this is the best that can be done.
It's a girls' game.
Australia
Gymnastics — Floor Exercise
Is this the one with music? And props? And a lot of prancing and dancing around a big mat? Pass.
Canada
Gymnastics — High Bar
These guys get some impressive speed and height above the ground when they flip around this 9-foot-high bar.
Judging. Judging in itself has some serious problems. And if an event requires judging to declare a winner, then is it really a sport? Or has it become "art"?
Italy
Gymnastics — Parallel Bars
Impressive strength required to do this.
See above.
Ukraine
Gymnastics — Pommel Horse
Requires more technique, and less strength, than parallel bars or rings.
Communist China
Gymnastics — Rings
You've got to be Much Man to hold an Iron Cross or similar for any length of time.
Greece
Gymnastics — Vault
The girls also do this one.
Spain
Gymnastics — Artistic Team
A little of each of the other Pros.
A little of each of the other Cons, plus "Team".
Japan
Gymnastics — Trampoline
"Girls Jumping on Trampolines" is good...
...but unfortunately this is its opposite.
Ukraine
Gymnastics — Artistic All-Around
A little of each of the other Pros.
A little of each of the other Cons.
United States
Handball — Handball
Better than soccer because you can use your hands.
There's a women's version. And it's like soccer.
Croatia
Judo — <= 132 pounds
Two guys in combat, so you've got a pretty good start there.
Again, we only care about the unlimited weight category.
Japan
Judo — <= 146 pounds
See above.
Japan
Judo — <= 161 pounds
See above.
Korea, South
Judo — <= 179 pounds
See above.
Greece
Judo — <= 198 pounds
See above.
Georgia
Judo — <= 220 pounds
See above.
Belarus
Judo — > 220 pounds
It's a "fight" until one guy surrenders.
It translates to "gentle way". It's based on grappling. Along with the other Far Eastern "fighting" methods, comes packaged with a lot of nutty philosophy.
Japan
Modern Pentathlon — Modern Pentathlon
Epee, pistol, and (kind of) cross-country.
Swimming and show jumping. Swimming means these guys are leg-shavers. And doing something for "show" in an athletic event? This isn't gymnastics...
Russia
Ping Pong — Singles
Ping-pong is a great game. It requires lightning-quick reflexes, and it's a blast to play. (Okay, maybe I'm biased towards ping-pong, but it's my site.)
But where does it fall on this scale, compared to the decathlon, or archery, or shotput.
Korea, South
Ping Pong — Doubles
See above.
See above, plus it's a team.
Communist China
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Pistol
Marksmanship. One of the few Olympic skills that would still be useful in modern combat.
An air pistol? At 10 yards? The women do this one.
Communist China
Shooting — 27.3 yard Rapid Fire Pistol
Rapid fire. Yeah baby. No women's equivalent.
Germany
Shooting — 54.7 yard Pistol
The purest precision shooting event.
Russia
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Rifle
An airgun. At 10 yards. And the girls do this one.
Communist China
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Prone
You may need to hide and shoot at the same time!
If you have Three Positions, you don't really need this one.
United States
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Three Positions
Prone. Standing. Kneeling. This guy can shoot you any way he likes.
Communist China
Shooting — Trap
They don't use real birds. And why Trap when you can Double Trap? And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.
Russia
Shooting — Double Trap
They don't use real birds. And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.
United Arab Emirates
Shooting — 10.9 yard Running Target
The guy you're trying to shoot may not be holding still. These athletes are prepared for that. Plus, the girls don't do this one.
An airgun. At 10 yards.
Germany
Shooting — Skeet
See above.
A woman won the last mixed skeet competition...
Italy
Soccer — Soccer
A bunch of guys lightly jogging around. No particular skill involved, except pretending to be hurt. And they're not allowed to use their hands because... Socialists like arbitrary rules? I really don't know.
Argentina
Swimming — 54.7 yard Freestyle
World's Fastest Swimmer. Not as great as World's Fastest Man, but it's something.
Body shaving. Fruity swimsuits.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Freestyle
We don't need anything but the 54.7-yard and the marathon. Plus these guys are shavers.
Netherlands
Swimming — 219 yard Freestyle
See above.
Australia
Swimming — 437 yard Freestyle
See above.
Australia
Swimming — 1640 yard Freestyle
See above.
Australia
Swimming — 109 yard Backstroke
Why do we care what stroke they use? All that matters is who's fastest, right? We don't have footraces where you have to do a jumping jack between each step, or do pirouettes or anything. That would be stupid.
United States
Swimming — 219 yard Backstroke
See above.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Butterfly
See above.
United States
Swimming — 219 yard Butterfly
See above.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Breaststroke
See above.
Japan
Swimming — 219 yard Breaststroke
See above.
Japan
Swimming — 219 yard Medley
See above.
United States
Swimming — 437 yard Medley
See above.
United States
Swimming — 4x109 yard Freestyle
The country with the top 4 fastest swimmers.
Team. And all 4 are shavers.
South Africa
Swimming — 4x219 yard Freestyle
More event pollution.
United States
Swimming — 4x109 yard Medley
Again, just because a swimmer is fast using an inefficient stroke does not make him a fast swimmer.
United States
Tae Kwon Do — <= 128 pounds
Lightweights...
Republic of China (Taiwan)
Tae Kwon Do — <= 150 pounds
See above.
Iran
Tae Kwon Do — <= 176 pounds
See above.
United States
Tae Kwon Do — > 176 pounds
It's two guys in combat.
Like the other Far East "fighting" styles, requires swallowing a lot of philosophical garbage about "peace", meditation, "tenets" of Taekwondo, and a lot of other BS.
Korea, South
Tennis — Singles
Like ping-pong, but you're standing on the table. Requires precision, strength, speed, agility, and brains. One-on-one competition.
The girls play it too.
Chile
Tennis — Doubles
See above.
Team.
Chile
Triathlon — Triathlon
Running. Definitely an endurance test.
Swimming (shaving), cycling (Spandex).
New Zealand
Volleyball — Normal
This is a girls' game.
Brazil
Volleyball — Beach
This one is definitely better when played by the ladies. Why is this on the men's side?
Brazil
Water Polo — Water Polo
Looks like a fun way to pass some time in the pool.
Serious competition? I just don't see it. (There's probably body-shaving, too.)
Hungary
Weightlifting — <= 123 pounds
A good old-fashioned test of strength.
A lightweight weightlifter is completely uninteresting.
Turkey
Weightlifting — <= 137 pounds
See above.
Communist China
Weightlifting — <= 152 pounds
See above.
Communist China
Weightlifting — <= 170 pounds
See above.
Turkey
Weightlifting — <= 187 pounds
See above.
Georgia
Weightlifting — <= 207 pounds
See above.
Bulgaria
Weightlifting — <= 231 pounds
See above.
Russia
Weightlifting — > 231 pounds
No judging, no "performance". Just strength, straight up.
Iran
Wrestling — Freestyle: Bantamweight
It's not the WWF, but it could still be entertaining.
Lightweights.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Featherweight
See above.
Cuba
Wrestling — Freestyle: Lightweight
See above.
Ukraine
Wrestling — Freestyle: Welterweight
See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Middleweight
See above.
United States
Wrestling — Freestyle: Heavyweight
See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Super heavyweight
It's like a fight.
But you can't punch the guy. And you have to wear some kind of weird skin-tight one-piece suit.
Uzbekistan
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Bantamweight
Lightweights.
Hungary
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Featherweight
See above.
Korea, South
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Lightweight
See above.
Azerbaijan
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Welterweight
See above.
Uzbekistan
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Middleweight
See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Heavyweight
See above.
Egypt
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Super heavyweight
It's like freestyle.
It's like freestyle, except with rules restricting the style. Why do we care how a guy is pinned?
Russia
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